Oftentimes, the world offers so much fun that in a blink of an eye it was gone. You wouldn’t notice it. Probably because we were so engrossed with the happiness it offers us or maybe because we really tend to enjoy the moment knowing that it is fleeting and thus taking the most out of it.
I’ve realized lately that one of my fears is losing someone. Romantically or not. The reason people look at me as mysterious or very secretive to the point that they call me “suplado” is because I seldom trust people. But when I do, I tend to establish an invisible thread among them and in so doing, I easily give in and open up everything about me (most of it). Once I establish this connection, it would be very hard for me to cut it, except when trust is broken. –or you can blame it to my temperament.
These past few days, I’ve been so yoked at being myself and enjoying much of it. And then, here comes people whom I’ve met before, loved and established connection with. Our paths crossed and just when I thought I was over everything, poof – there goes the beating… dub dub.. dub dub… dub dub… but what else can I do? It’s been over and done and there’s nothing I could do to probably win them back… how I wish they have a heart like mine that makes one stiff as a statue in the middle of a crowded mall when he sees his crush. – well, this is too shallow and cheesy – but mind you, it’s true.
On the other hand, I know that this fear of losing special people – I call them “special” because only a few of them really stands in that small circular region I call friends – would soon be overcome, but just the thought of the process of losing them is already quite hard. What else can I do? Either it’s because of some unavoidable circumstances, others because of priorities and most of them just because it’s over. The first two are understandable but the latter needs specific explanation as I may not be able to understand the silent treatment, sudden disappearances or just simply tell me that I’m thin, dumbass and ugly.
Also, I’ll be turning 28 this Friday and I’ve been thinking that I haven’t been productive at all. It feels like I’ve enjoyed much of my 6 years after graduation in college just enjoying the life of being single and now that I’m turning 28 I should be more mature and take on the ride of a life sentence – marriage. Well, I cannot deny the fact that I have my share of this fashion of flirting and “paniningalang pugad” and I must say they were true to my heart and what I feel but I still can’t imagine myself being married and do the responsibilities that goes with it. You must be thinking I would be a spinster which I WILL NEVER BE. The thought of having children thrills me, what would they be like, would they be as handsome and intelligent as me (coughing) or would they be as dumb and lazy as a sloth? I pray not. Please Lord. Hehe
But how am I suppose to go with it when I’m not yet ready to give up playing arcade and games and watching movies and travelling and blah blah blah… I guess I’m not ready yet. The pressure here and there – I’m like a pendulum tossed on one side to the other trying to please, maybe, others and I’m tired. Can’t have the both sides, otherwise I would go static and useless. The best thing would be to swing farther and break the elastic limit of the string that binds me from where I should be. Hmmm it simply means I’m not ready yet. And 28? I don’t feel like one hahaha. I’m not shy of my age but well I think that I don’t think and act like my age. I guess Freud and Skinner would be mad at me for not satisfying my childhood years.
Well, I guess all these rants are due to what I’m feeling now. The best of both worlds. Feeling like in a cloud nine for meeting and conversing with someone special – miss you like crazy LOL – and *sigh* feeling low for someone who strums my pain with his fingers if I may quote Toni Braxton. How do call that feeling?